My scale hates me.

And the feeling is mutual.

For the first time on this weight loss path, I recorded a repeat weight from one week to the next. Zero change. I’ve bounced around, gone up a little or down a little every single week. But the last two Fridays my weight has been steady at 180.5 pounds. I’ve recorded some kind of loss every week since the end of September (sometimes just 0.5 pounds, but hey, I’ll take it!). Frustrating.

Just because I only record my weight on Fridays doesn’t mean I don’t weight myself in between. The 170’s are also toying with me. In the past week I saw 179.0 TWICE, but bounced up the next day to 180. I’m trying to reach 170 by the New Year, and while it was possible after loosing three pounds the week of Thanksgiving, I’m not so sure anymore.

I did manage to squeeze my tushy into my size 14 jeans this weekend. They are comfortable enough to wear all day, though they do require either a long flowy shirt, a bulky sweater, or a sweatshirt due to the slight muffin top they create, but again, I’ll take it! I can’t remember the last time I put a size 14 pair of pants on!

However, the awkward part of wearing the smaller jeans is that I feel the need to touch my butt. A LOT. It amazes me how much smaller it feels in these jeans! Every single time I stand up, I must grab my butt. My husband told me I probably needed to review our office sexual harassment policy, but my sister assured me as long as I wasn’t touching myself in my bosses office, I was good.

I’m still a ways a way from actually liking my body, but we’re on the right path!

I am a bad blogger.

Or my life is just that incredibly boring. In reality, those aren’t mutually exclusive statements. I started this blog as a way to record my journey along this lap band path, to document the frustrations, the highs and the lows. But as it turns out (for me anyway), my life just went on as usual after surgery.

I still get up every morning, take my 3 year old to school, go to work, come home and make dinner, enjoy the evening with my family and go to bed. I still do laundry and grocery shopping on the weekends, and I still hate to clean my house. We still attend birthdays, house warmings, and extended family meals. We still go out to eat as a family every Friday night (and let our 3 year old pick the restaurant). It all sounds a little boring I’m sure, but I’m very content with my life.

Obviously, there have been changes to my life since the surgery. First, I’m loosing weight. Not at a tremendous rate, but slowly it’s starting to come off. Since my surgical consultation I’ve lost nearly 37 pounds, and I’m very pleased with the results. Some days I think it should be coming off faster, but I remind myself that I didn’t suddenly wake up at 218 pounds, and it’s going to take some time to get it all off.

Secondly, I can’t eat that much, and I accept that. I’ve had three fills, and think I’m at a pretty good place with the amount of restriction I have. I’m still able to eat the majority of the food I prepare for my family, just smaller amounts… minus the bread.

I also no longer have the severe cravings that I had right after the surgery. As I blogged previously, there was a time when I’d give my right arm for a Dr. Pepper, but those cravings are gone. I don’t really crave fast food anymore either (and I was a daily visitor to the drive thru for years).

But I do still crave chocolate… *sigh*. I guess I couldn’t bear to give up all my vices.

I’m going to try to blog more frequently, I swear. Maybe I should rename this blog to “The Oh-So-Boring Path to Normal”.

Why, hello there!!

It’s been a while, I know, but really, there hasn’t been much to report. After the surgery I healed rather quickly and was able to eat just about anything I wanted. I was able to maintain my big weight loss from the pre-surgery diet and the first week of healing, but didn’t loose any more for the rest of the month. I had my first fill on Monday, and I’m slowly starting to eat real foods again. It still seems like I can eat more than I should, but I don’t feel hungry nearly as often as I did before the fill.

A few things I’ve noticed in the past month:

Who ever said it only took 21 days to make or break a habit obviously never tried to give up soda. Every single day, I crave it. I would probably give my left arm (not the right, I’m right handed), for it, right now. I’m very proud of the fact that I haven’t touched it since my surgery date though. But *sigh* I do miss it. Who am I kidding, I’d give my right arm too!

Even though I’m able to eat more than I think I should, I know I’m eating far far less than I used to. I can split a meal with my three year old, and we both get enough to eat. And an added bonus – Going out to eat costs less, especially since I don’t order a drink either!

I’ve also realized that no one else really notices what you eat… I was so worried that everyone would notice the change in my eating habits and start to question why I was only eating a little of this or a little of that. Turns out.. NO ONE REALLY CARES! I’ve eaten with several people that don’t know I’ve had the surgery and they don’t even bat an eye.

One habit I’ve been able to break is my drive-thru-eating-alone-in-the-car habit. I used to go through a drive thru almost every day. A disgusting habit that I’m ashamed to admit, but I *love* fast food. But even when I was doing it, I was ashamed of it. I’d usually pay in cash, so my husband wouldn’t notice, eat in the car at a park nearby my office, and dispose of the evidence immediately. I’m so glad to be done with that. I do admit to going through the drive thru twice in the past month, once I got a single hamburger (because I was starving and wouldn’t have the chance to eat for a while), and the second time I got a single breakfast sandwich. So, even though I did cave to the drive thru, my orders were probably less than half the food they were before, and I’m ok with that.

I wore a dress for the first time in, well, years yesterday, and when my son saw me, he said “Mommy, I think you are a Princess”. I think I should wear dresses more often!

Ms. Lora

I love Ms. Lora.

Ms. Lora is a teacher at my son’s daycare, and even though she’s never been one of his teachers, I absolutely adore her. She opens the center early in the mornings for those of us parents that need to drop off before 7:00 am. So, while she has never been my child’s teacher, I’ve left him in her care on an almost daily basis for the past year. She is gentle and soft spoken, loving and kind. She has the type of patience most parents envy. She is respectful to all styles of parenting and supportive of decisions made both inside and outside of the center.

Ms. Lora is also absolutely stunning. She’s just one of those inherently beautiful women, with a spirit that just makes her that much more beautiful. She has perfect hair, flawless makeup and a bright smile every morning when I drop my son off. I have no idea what time she needs to get up to accomplish all of this before 6:30 am, but I’m in awe of her. Mostly because, on any given day, I can be seen running into daycare ten minutes late with sopping wet hair and half my makeup on, still half asleep.

Is there anything that could make me love this woman more? Oddly enough yes. Last Friday, when I was in the midst of throwing myself a pity party for actually GAINING 1.5 pounds (two weeks post-op), she looked at me and said “Are you losing weight???”.

Standing there in my ratty old jeans and tee shirt with watermarks on the shoulders from the aforementioned wet hair, I could have hugged her. She is the first person that doesn’t know about the surgery to comment on my weight.

“I’m trying” I responded. Then, she gave me that look. You know, the one where she turns her head slightly to the side and down, and smiles… “What are you doing?” she quietly asks wanting to know my secret. We’ve often talked about weight and weight loss because she also struggles with it, and is also married to a man that can eat anything he wants and not gain an ounce….

But I lied. I told her I was trying to watch what I eat and walk. *sigh*. I should have told her the truth. I just hadn’t prepared for how I would deal with the questions of my weight loss yet… I know that there are some people that I never want to tell, but she isn’t one of them.

I will tell her some day. I promise.

I love you, Ms. Lora! Thank you for making my day!

“Is this Heaven?”, “It’s Iowa”.

So I’ve had these two movie lines stuck in my head the past few days. I’m healing up quite nicely, my appetite has returned, and I’ve had very little problems with eating any food. My weight loss has stalled (yes, I’m one of those people the weighs themselves everyday), I’m hungry all the time, and I can’t seem to eat enough to feel full. I’ve reached that “Oh crap!! What have I done to myself!?! This can’t possibly work!!” stage, also known as “Band Hell”.

I realize this is just a temporary detour along the path, really, I do… but the irrational and illogical side of me is screaming “It’s a dead end!! Turn back! Turn back!”.

So, how exactly does this relate to the Field of Dreams? Well, the lap band is my chosen tool to help me feel full faster and keep that full feeling longer thus helping me lose weight without feeling hungry… *heaven*. Unfortunately, I’m not there yet. I’m stuck in *Iowa*. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Iowa, both literally and figuratively.

Literally, Iowa is a great place. My family is from Iowa, and I’ve enjoyed visiting often. I have some beautiful friends that call Iowa home. And let’s face it, there is nothing more heavenly than fresh Iowa sweet corn on the cob.

And figuratively, *Iowa* (aka: Band Hell), isn’t really all that bad either. I’m still able to eat anything I want, and consume as much as I want. I love eating, and I love eating what ever I want, but isn’t this what put me on this path in the first place? Wasn’t the point of the surgery to get out of this place? I know that once I receive my fill all this will change, and I’ll probably be yearning for another day in Iowa, so until then, I will try to enjoy my stay.

Because who knows, maybe Iowa does equal Heaven!

“Is this Heaven”
“It’s Iowa”
“Iowa? I could have sworn this was Heaven”
“Is there a heaven?”
“Oh yeah. It’s the place where dreams come true”
“Maybe this is Heaven”

One Week Post-Op

This morning was my one week post-op appointment with my surgeon. He removed the dressings on the incisions, said they looked good, asked me how I was doing, and that was pretty much it. I scheduled my first fill for August 30th, my one month bandiversary!

What I’m most excited about however, is my progress. According to MY scale, I’ve lost seventeen (17!!) pounds along this path to normal, and even more exciting than that, I’m just one pound away from a weight starting with a “1”. Yep, that’s right, this morning I weighed 200.5! There’s a number I haven’t seen for a very long time. So here is what my path looks like so far:

June 7th, 2010 – 217.5 – The day I met with my new primary care physician, and my highest weight ever.

July 20th, 2010 – 213.5 – The start of my 10 day pre-op diet.

July 30th, 2010 – 207.0 – Surgery day!!

August 6th, 2010 – 200.5 – One week post-op.

I haven’t exactly determined what my goal weight is yet, but I’m thinking somewhere between 125 and 130. Ideally, my goal isn’t a weight, but a dress size. I’d really like to be a solid size 8, possibly a 6 depending on the cut of clothing, but an 8 sounds like a great size for me. I’m short and have a huge head, so I’m afraid I’d look like a bobble head doll if I were to be any smaller than that.

But while my end goal is still a little up in the air, I have three very distinct interim milestones that I plan to celebrate! And while every single pound lost is, in my mind, cause for a balloon-and-streamers-type celebration, I’ve chosen the following:

190 pounds – No Longer “Severely Obese”
163 pounds – No Longer “Obese”
136 pounds – No Longer “Overweight”

And when I was trying to decide how to celebrate or reward myself for achieving these goals, I knew one thing, I wanted to include my husband and son. My list of “reasons why”, for the most part, is all about them. And while I was the one that underwent the surgery, the lap band effects their day-to-day lives as well. So for each of these milestones, I wanted to find something to do, as a family, that I’ve let my weight hold me back from.

Once I’m down to 190 pounds, we’ve decided to take a day hike, either in the foothills or the mountains and have a picnic. Nothing too challenging, as my son is only three and I’ll still be fairly out of shape. Hiking is something my husband loved to do prior to meeting me, but work, life, marriage and kids soon took over. I’ve never been an “outdoorsy” person, but I’d like for my son to enjoy all that nature has to offer.

It was pretty difficult to find a family reward for my 163 milestone. Due to the timing of the surgery, I expect to hit this goal sometime during the winter. Since we do live in Colorado, I suggested skiing. Though I grew up here, I never really got into skiing. I’ve been a handful of times, and enjoyed it, but it’s expensive, and requires lots of equipment and travel time. Geoff loved to ski. Loved it, that is, until he ran into a tree and almost died 10 years ago. So he nixed that idea. In thinking more about it, I realized at 163, I’d be at about the same weight I was when we went on our honeymoon, and I still have the bathing suit I took to Costa Rica that (in theory) should fit. So we decided we’d take a day off from work, and head to one of the indoor waterparks we have here in town. Generally, anytime we go to the pool or beach, or anywhere that requires me to wear a swim suit, I hide beneath a cover up and refuse to get in, while my husband plays with my son. This time, I will play!

And the final milestone is a big one! Because that is when I will finally be NORMAL. So this one will be celebrated like nobody's business. Family pictures. And not just my little nucleus of a family, but the entire family. I’m talking about renting a photographer for an entire morning, or day if I must, and get pictures with my parents, my sister and her family, my husband’s parents, sister and brother, and his dad, stepmom and brothers. One of my “reasons why” is to be in pictures with my family again, and we are going to take some serious pictures.

I’m excited, still scared, but can’t wait to see what’s around the next bend in the path!

Reasons Why:

Prior to the surgery, I had a consultation with a nutritionist that asked me to write down, in my own words, all the reasons I wanted to have this surgery. Below is the list I’ve come up with so far, and I plan for it to be an evolving list as I continue down my path.

• To be comfortable in my own clothing
• To be comfortable in my own skin
• To look good naked
• To be able to keep up with my 3 year old
• To wear my wedding band again
• To wear a bathing suit in public, around friends and family
• To wear shorts again
• To wear all the clothes in my closet (sized 18 – 8) and beyond
• To enjoy food, not have a love/hate relationship with it
• To be sexy to my husband (though he says I already am)
• To NOT be the fat mom and embarrass my son
• To be in family pictures
• To be able to travel comfortably
• To ride a bike
• To not be self conscious
• To go to my 20 year high school reunion in a fabulous dress (2012)
• To avoid future obesity related health issues
  

So that is my list so far. I know I will add to it, but I hope to be checking these off one by one, as soon as possible!

And WOW! I have FOLLOWERS! That is amazing! Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment.